Resourceful wasn’t the first words that came to the mouths of Bob’s dinner guests when they sat down for the holiday meal and discovered what could be accomplished with a Thanksgiving Jell-O mold and a few pounds of ground turkey.

Sadly … thankful wasn’t either.

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Bob, the pilgrim, had damned and cursed the whole holiday and wanted to shove it all up Mile Standish’s puritan a…

But that was until he decided to read the instructions again … and saw clearly this time, that he was supposed to kill the turkey first … and then … then, stuff it.

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The pilgrims had every intention of making the Indians feel at home, but the chief and his tribe were not impressed by the puritans and the little dots they’d painted on their foreheads.

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A little known fact:

Benjamin Franklin wanted the turkey to be our national bird. If the turkey hadn’t refused to pose nude and the eagle had, there would have been a lot more wing to go around the dinner table on Thanksgiving.

There was a note found though, written by the turkey, just after that fateful decision came down, and just before it met its maker and cook. It said, “I am not a prude, but I just couldn’t get beyond those spectacles of Mr. Franklin that made him look very much like a perverted and dirty old man.” A last entry scratched out by the bird, which clearly showed signs of trembling, said, “It made my skin crawl and my wattle quiver … and no length of therapy, none, would ever heal my mind or make me feel clean again.”

Not by mere coincidence, the habit of basting a turkey is directly related to these troubled words from so many years ago. Ceremoniously, the purpose is to wash the bird in its own juices so that the bird’s spirit knows it’s been cleansed of any outside contaminants, such as lecherous old men, and feels free to move on to the next life (other than a turkey sandwich). It truly is a shame that more people aren’t more familiar with this common ritual’s origin.

The First Thanksgiving 1621 by Jean Leon Gerome Ferris

Happy Thanksgiving in the States, and let us remember all the turkeys and potatoes and cranberries that have died to make this a decent meal.

Roger McManus