Have you ever done something stupid, and because you knew it was stupid, you made sure you’d never do it again? Well I keep doing something I swear is stupid, but I keep on doing it. I’m not even sure how it’s physically possible. So being that it appears unmanageable to do, I’m either masochistically gifted, or a complete moron because I don’t want it to happen and it does. That’s like being afraid to drown, so you stay out of the water and suffocate on the sand. I mean you’d have to be really stupid for that … right? And I’m angry to boot when it happens, because it hurts a lot when it does happen (why masochistically gifted) and I can’t blame anyone else but myself. That’s what makes me angry, because I can’t blame anyone else, and that’s what makes me feel stupid (Besides standing there cursing myself) … and then when I’ve done it … (Do you believe this?) … give it a minute and I do it again. What is worse than stupid? Stupiderest?

By now you’re probably wondering, “What the hell is he talking about?”

Maybe this is a good lead into a book. It makes you want to read the rest (I hope). So what the hell am I talking about?

Biting myself, I’m not talking about biting your finger or your arm (But why would you do that?). I’m not even talking about biting your tongue, which is a close second. I’m talking about biting the inside of your mouth.

“Wh-what?”

“Yes, I know. It sounds nuts. That’s why it’s so stupid, but for those who are shaking their heads and can relate, I’m not calling you stupid … I’d never do that … and I’m sorry if you believe I am, but I’m not, really, because I’m sure you’ve called yourself that and far worse, and why add insult to injury?

Question: Do animals do this? I’ve never witnessed that. Note: That can’t be good for us.

Now on top of biting ourselves, we don’t even cover it up either. When the pain and anguish floods our face and someone asks, “What happened?” we don’t cry cavity or the need for a root canal, or whatever we were eating was awful (I mean say it even if you aren’t eating anything … because … well, please continue). We quite honestly state, “I bit myself.” Do you hear that? Even the statement sounds stupid. I mean, think about it. Some smart aleck, and he might not be a smart aleck but just smart and on to something, will say, “Why’d you do that?” And then don’t you feel like an ignoramus when you say, “I don’t know.”

Duh?

Of course misery wants company, and our open honesty, if not due to the painful shock and disconnected brain tissue, is actually looking for the empathetic response “Ouch, oh I hate when that happens.” And many times we get that, because it is a very understandable stupidity. Most people if not everyone have been there, and done that. But why don’t we learn? Is the food we’re eating so good that we forget our faculties? Can we not have a thought and chew at the same time? I mean I actually think I’d have to poke my finger into my cheek to get a good bite out of the other side, but minus the finger it unexplainably still happens. “But how?” I ask.

These are serious questions of epidemic proportions. Perhaps there is a cannibalistic instinct inside of us, dormant but wishing to get out. It’s so embedded in us that we can’t explain it (“Why’d you do that?” “I don’t know.”). Might we start eating one another?

What I recommend, is after you bite yourself, have someone right away lock you in a room or closet until the fit of feeling how stupid you are is over (This usually happens when the pain ends.) and you’re not dangerous to anyone else anymore. Together we can lick this … if we don’t lick one another. Okay, good luck.

Knock! Knock! Knock!

“Honey, you can let me out. I um … I think I’m okay now.” (Now I ask: Would you open a door to someone who calls you honey under these circumstances? Be vigilant.)

Roger McManus